Why am I even here?
by Lady Josephynne
Summary: I guess just another one of those "Girl from Earth somehow shows up in the Akatsuki hideout" stories. Only going to be continued if I can get some positive feedback. There's an OC, yes, but she's NOT A MARY SUE.
1. Do NOT Screw With Me

**_Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Orochimaru would be burning in the pits of hell, Kiba and Hinata would be together, and everyone in the Akatsuki would still be alive. Unfortunately, I don't own Naruto, so nothing above is true. If you recognize it, it's not mine._**

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><p>Pein continued rubbing his forehead, and inhaled deeply. "So you're telling me that you're from another world, where we are fictional characters in an 'anime' called Naruto, and everyone knows the inner workings of our organization?"<p>

I glared at him, not in a good mood. I had been in the middle of an argument with my mother when the power had gone out all of a sudden, and a flash of light had appeared. I had blinked my eyes, and found myself in the common room of the Akatsuki hideout.

"Yeah, so what? Fuck off. I'm not in a good mood, and just because you're Mr.-High-And-Mighty-Akatsuki-Leader that does not mean I'm going to bow down and do whatever the hell you tell me to. M'kay? I'm pissed off because I got a damn citation yesterday after two days of having my driver's license for having a passenger under the age of twenty in the passenger seat of my car while I still had a provisional license. And now I could lose my driver's license. So, do. Not. Screw. With. Me." I finished, crossing my arms across my chest, suddenly aware of the fact that I was in my pajamas, which consisted of nothing more than a purple sports bra and my old black gym shorts.

He blinked, clearly having not been expecting an angry outburst from me. "…What is this 'driver's license' of which you speak?"

I huffed, and opened my mouth to explain, and then shut it, when I realized he wouldn't understand. "It's a milestone in a teenager's life where I come from. It's like freaking passing the chunin exams and becoming a chunin, okay!"

"You would do better than to speak to Leader-sama like that."

I started, not having realized that there were other people in the room besides Pein and myself. Looking around, my eyes landed on one dark-haired, Sharingan-eyed Itachi Uchiha. I furrowed my brow and returned my attention to Pein.

"So what are you going to do, kill me?" I asked defiantly.

"Can I sacrifice the bitch to Jashin-sama?" A crude voice, much louder than Itachi's shouted out.

"Hidan, shut the hell up." I snapped.

Pein put a hand up, gesturing for me to stop speaking. "So, do you know who everyone in this room is?"

I hesitated briefly, and then nodded my head. "Then identify everyone." He commanded, and with a snap of his fingers, the rest of the room was illuminated.

Beginning with Konan, I named them off.

"Konan, Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi, Deidara…" I grinned lopsidedly, when I reached the blonde bomber, and object of my affections. Resisting the urge to rush forward, and fiercely hug him, I realized one plant-human hybrid was missing. "And Zetsu should be here as well, but he's off somewhere."

Pein looked surprised, and brought his hands together, interlocking his fingers. "And your name is?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah. I'm Katherine, but anyone who calls me that will be thrashed to within an inch of their lives. I go by Kat, and Kat only." I responded.

"Very well then…Kat. Now…what are we to do with you? Killing you won't accomplish anything, we can't let you go, you know too much, and there's no way for you to return to your home…" Pein seemed deep in thought.

Konan stepped forward. "If I may make a suggestion? We could keep her here, and use her as an information specialist. If she knows as much about us…. and our world…as she claims, than she could be of great use to us, and it would prevent a great number of problems from occurring."

"And who's she supposed to be partnered with, un? Everyone else already has a partner, un." That was Deidara, unmistakably recognizable with "un'' at the end of every statement.

"She will not be partnered with anyone, as she will not be a normal member of the organization. She will also have her own room. Konan, you are responsible for finding her some clothing, and showing her where her room will be."

I looked down at myself, and restrained a laugh. I then noticed that my backpack was by my feet. I suppose it had come with me because I had been in the process of taking it back to my room when I'd been transported here.

Unable to stop myself, I knelt down, and unzipped it, rummaging through the contents. It was a random assortment of items, but ones that I was grateful to have. Zipping it back up, I stood up, heaving it onto my shoulder.

"Alright, take me where you will. I'm no kunoichi, and can't fight back, so you don't have to be afraid I'll escape." I told them, being completely truthful with my words.

They all sized me up, clearly suspicious, and then shrugged their shoulders, clearly not caring.

"I will do as you wish, Pein."

"Hn."

"I need to go care for Sameheda anyways."

"There's fuckin' blood all over our room from my last ritual, and fuckin' Kakuzu's makin' me clean it up."

"My money needs to be counted for the third time today."

"TOBI IS GOING TO MAKE COOKIES!"

"I'm gonna go blow stuff up, un."

And with that, everyone dispersed in their respective directions.

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><p><strong><em>Author's Notes: I got bored this afternoon while sitting at home doing absolutely NOTHING, and this was written as a result. Anyways, I just posted this to see if I could get any feedback. If I can get some positive reviews, I'll continue this. Let me know what you all thought.<em>**

**_Lady Josephynne out._**


	2. CheezIts and Fluffy Unicorns

**_Quick note: Kat named off Tobi as one of the members, but when I was writing this, I realized that for the storyline to play out the way I want, this is before Gaara has Shukaku removed from him, so Sasori is still alive, and Tobi is not part of the Akatsuki yet. Sorry for the mix up._**

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><p>Ten minutes later found me awkwardly standing in the doorway of Konan's room, not sure if I should continue the rest of the way into the room. She turned around, and stared at me for a moment.<p>

"What are you waiting for? I don't bite."

Laughing under my breath, I inched slowly into the room. It was neatly organized. The only things out of place were what looked like one of her spare cloaks, that was draped over the back of a chair, and several crumpled up pieces of paper in a pile on her bed. It was decorated in varying shades of blue, and there were several shelves with origami creations of varying sizes, colors, and complexities.

She examined me closely, before drumming her fingertips together, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"You're just a bit shorter than me, so it looks like my clothing will only be just a tad oversized on you, I hope that's alright."

I shrugged. Clothing was clothing, and if it meant I wasn't stuck in a sports bra and gym shorts, I'd gladly accept it.

Snapping her fingers, she turned to a wardrobe in the corner of the room, and swung the doors open to reveal a neatly folded and organized collection of clothing. Her upper body disappeared into the cabinet for a moment, and I could hear the rustling of cloth.

She straightened up, a pile of cloth in one hand, and a pair of the standard issue Akatsuki boots in the other.

"I'm not sure what kind of clothing you usually wear…I can tell that things are different where you come from though. So I just pulled out an outfit. Try it on, and if you don't like it, I might have a few other things that you can try. I'll have to get Nag-_Pein's_ permission to take you to the nearest village and go shopping so you don't have to wear the same thing day in and day out. I'll go ahead and step outside so you have some privacy." She made her way to the door, closing it behind her, after handing me the clothing and shoes.

I made sure the door was firmly shut, and then stripped of everything but my underwear. There was a length of bandage in the clothing, which I assumed was what was used in place of a bra, so I wrapped it tightly around my chest, securing the ends to make sure it would stay. I pulled on the long sleeved fishnet shirt next. Over it went a strapless purple midriff-baring top. Lastly was a pair of long shorts that were comfortably lose, but then gathered into a tight band just below the knee. I pulled on the boots, and was pleased to discover that they fit me.

Standing up, I examined myself in the full-length mirror hanging on the wall. My short blonde hair was a bit messy, so I finger-combed it to make the strays lay down. Frowning, I realized that my eyeliner had smeared a bit, giving me the appearance of a green-eyed raccoon. I then shrugged, making a mental note to wash it off later, and opened the door.

Blinking rapidly, I found myself face to face with the rest of the Akatsuki. Well, more like face to chest since they were all so much taller than myself.

"…. Um, hi guys. Is there any particular reason you're all standing out here?" I asked slowly, self-conscious.

They stared at me a few seconds longer, and then fled down the hallway. I turned to Konan, the only one still standing there. "Why were they all crowded outside the door?"

She laughed softly. "Well…I'll hazard a guess and say it has something to do with the fact that they aren't really used to being around girls, aside from myself."

I could feel my face rapidly turning red. "Oh great, I've gone and landed myself in an organization of S-ranked missing-nin, who also happen to be sex-craved fiends. I think I'm going to get raped."

For some reason, this made her laugh even harder. "No you won't, don't worry about it. I'll make sure that they all know not to mess with you, or they'll have me to answer to."

Put at ease with this statement, I hoped that she and I would come to be friends. Not that I had any issue with guys, but it would be nice to get to know her, I mean, there's two of us, and then…. eight? Yeah, eight guys.

Clearing my throat, I prepared to ask her if she could show me where my room was, but she beat me to the punch.

"I'm expecting you'll want to see your room now?" She asked.

Grinning, I nodded my head. "That'd be great, yeah." No sooner had the words left my mouth than I slapped myself in the forehead, realizing I sounded exactly like Deidara.

She was staring at me, a confused expression on her face. "… Do I even want to know?"

"Not really. I think you'll soon come to find out that I'm rather odd, and a lot of things I do are better left unquestioned."

"Odd? Have you _seen _whom you're around? We've got a half human-half plant hybrid, a human puppet, a pyromaniac with four mouths, someone who looks like one of his parents was a shark, a walking zombie, someone who massacred his entire clan, and a sadistic, foulmouthed immortal. I think it's safe to say that you're pretty normal."

Blinking, I acknowledged that she was right, and gestured for her to lead me wherever it was that my room was located. Apparently, I hadn't been paying attention, and her room was in the exact same hallway as everyone else's. There were two doors to the right of hers, three on the opposite side of the hall, and one at the very end.

Directly across from hers was a door with a slate that read "Leader" in neat, if blocky-looking, script. Next to his was one with "Kisame" in a barely legible scrawl, and "Itachi" underneath it in a much neater script. On the other side of that was a slate with "Hidan" and "Kakuzu", both written in the same illegible scribble that made me think of a doctor's messy signature. Across from Kisame and Itachi's room was a very decorative slate with Sasori and Deidara's names in loopy, curly writing that looked almost like my own. On the far side of the artists' room was a door with a blank slate.

Konan pulled out a piece of chalk from somewhere in her cloak, and quickly inscribed "Kat" across the slate in a neat hand.

"Well, would you like to see where you'll be staying?" She asked me.

I smiled at her, and without further ado, pushed the door open. My eyes widened as I took in the room before me.

It was rather spacious, bigger than my room back home. The bed was in the far corner, and covered with a black satin comforter, with red sheets, and a large assortment of red, black, and white pillows. The floor was black hardwood, with a large white throw rug covering the majority of the open space. There was a large desk with a matching swivel chair, a wardrobe that matched the one in Konan's room, and a floor to ceiling bookcase that was packed with books of varying sizes and widths.

"Whoa." I stuttered, unable to say anything more eloquent. I was overcome with a rush of energy, and squealed, running forward, and dived towards the bed, landing amongst the pillows.

I could hear Konan's soft laughter, mingling with a deeper, masculine chuckling. Curious as to whom it was, I looked up. My face immediately turned red. It was none other than the Akatsuki's resident pyromaniac.

"OHMAIGAWD, THERE'S A FLUFFY STRIPED UNICORN BEHIND YOU!" I screeched, darting back to the door, and slamming it shut, my heart pounding all the while.

I could hear Deidara through the door. "… the fuck, un?"

There was incomprehensible murmuring, and then I could hear footsteps leading away from the door. Breathing heavily in relief, I reached for my backpack, and unzipped it, dumping it out on the bed.

The random assortment of items landed in a haphazard pile. First to land was my thirteen inch Apple Mac Book, and I seized it to make sure it hadn't been damaged during inter-dimensional travel. Thankfully, it hadn't, or I would have lost all of my work on the multiple stories I was writing. Closely following it was my hairbrush, which I snatched up and brushed my hair, wincing more than once as it hit a knot. Satisfied that my hair was neat, I placed it down. If I had been to write a list of the things that had fallen out, it would have included a box of Cheez-Its, a half-drank fruit punch Gatorade, my notebook which was crammed full of random papers, several loose pencils and assorted sharpies, my faux-silk kimono and favorite sweatshirt, fuzzy slippers, deodorant, a toothbrush, and my keys, complete with both Gaara and Deidara key chains.

I blinked, and opened the Cheez-Its, taking a handful out, and cramming them in my mouth. It then hit me just how hungry I was. I pulled off my boots, and shoved my feet into the lime green fuzzy slippers that were so worn, holes were starting to appear in the bottoms of them.

Standing up, Cheez-It box in hand, I cautiously opened the door, and scanned the hallway in both directions. When it was clear that no one was standing there, I slipped through the door, closing it again behind me.

"What the fuck are you wearing on your feet?" Came a voice from directly behind me.

I jumped, and whirled around to face none other than Hidan. "They're called slippers." I responded, sighing, and brought more Cheez-Its to my mouth to avoid having to say anything else.

"And what the hell are you eating?"

"They're called Cheez-Its. It's cheese baked into the form of a square cracker. Would you like to try one?" I offered the box to him, and he regarded it suspiciously.

"…. Nah, not really."

I shrugged, and moved to continue down the hallway before realizing I had no idea where I was going. "…. Would you be so kind as to direct me to the kitchen?"

He gave a short, barking laugh. "Me? Kind? Fuck no. But yeah, the kitchen's on the opposite side of the common room."

I indicated my thanks, and continued on my way, now in search of food.

Walking into the kitchen, I found Kisame chopping something up with a rather large butcher knife, Itachi sitting at the table with a coffee mug and what looked like a thick encyclopedia in front of him, and Deidara forming clay birds while conversing with Konan, who was painting her nails.

They all looked up as I entered the room, and I could do nothing more than stand there awkwardly, still not used to all the attention.

"It looks like you're wearing something that a cat barfed up on your feet, un." Deidara commented dryly, gesturing at my slippers.

"Is there a chance of me getting some food? Please?" I asked the room at large, ready to grovel on my hands and knees if I had to, that was just how hungry I was.

Kisame gestured at the refrigerator. "There's food in there." He remarked, as though I was an idiot.

I glared at him briefly, then decided it wasn't worth the effort, and crossed the room to open the fridge. Examining the contents of the fridge, I pulled out a bowl of what looked like perfectly prepared ramen that hadn't been touched. Shrugging, I shut the fridge, and crossed to the table.

The bowl sat in front of me, and I stared at it for a moment, and then realized I had nothing to eat it with.

"Here." A pair of chopsticks was shoved under my nose, and I didn't question who had put them there, but took them.

Unfortunately, I had no idea how to use them.

After ten minutes of sitting there, attempting to pick up noodles and pork, I growled in frustration, picked the bowl up, and slurped it down as best I could without spilling broth all over myself.

When I put the bowl back down, everyone, Itachi excluded, who was absorbed in his book, was staring at me.

"That was rather interesting, un."

"Oh shove it, Mr-People-Mistake-Me-For-A-Woman-Half-The-Time." I responded crossly.

This hadn't been the best of days. I was in the Naruto world, yes. I was with the Akatsuki, yes. I had met Deidara, yes. However, there were several cons that counteracted those pros. I was in a completely different dimension with no way of returning home. I was among S-ranked, missing-nin. I had no way to defend myself if they decided to turn against me. I had to cooperate, or I would be tortured via Tsukuyomi. Or blown up. Or sacrificed to Jashin. Or made into a human puppet. Or eaten. Or any number of other torture methods.

His face, which I usually considered so handsome, was marred by an enraged expression.

"What was that, bitch? I'm gonna show you what true art is, un!" He reached for the pouch that I knew he kept at his waist.

Sighing, I held up my hand. "Deidara-kun, you wouldn't want to do that. I know how to escape being blown up."

"And how would that be, un?"

I laughed shortly, before standing up, dashing to retrieve the Cheez-Its that remained on the counter, and fleeing from the room.

"Like this!" I shouted over my shoulder, darting as quickly as I could back to my room.

Once back in the sanctuary of my room, it hit me that I was exhausted. I may have only arrived in the Akatsuki hideout a couple of hours ago, but those few hours had been filled with activity. And apparently inter-dimensional travel takes a lot out of a person.

I kicked off the slippers, which landed in an untidy heap next to the boots I had discarded previously. I quickly put up all of my belongings in places I deemed most appropriate for them, with the exception of my sweatshirt.

Once I had finished, I slipped it on over my head, and turned off the lights, before stumbling in the dark towards the bed, falling onto it, and burrowing under the covers.

I was out before my head hit the pillow.

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><p><em><strong>Author's Note: It's two thirty in the morning. Why the hell am I updating, you may ask? Because I had nothing better to do today other than summer homework and swim practice, and so had time to write this for you all. However, I'm also at a sleepover with my two bests, and we have a tendency to get really loud and hyper. So, my laptop was abandoned for awhile, so that I could act like an idiot and laugh my ass off.<strong>_

_**(Now that it's finished, I'm posting it for all of you!)**_

_**SPECIAL THANKS TO:  Immortal-Puppet-Otaku, Yuti-Chan, and 2lazy2thinkofaname~ my first three reviewers!**_

_**You want your name up there?**_

_**Then review!**_

_**It might be a few days before I get the next chappie up, so I have time to plan out what exactly this random ass crackfic is going to be about. (Yes, it's going to be mainly crack, with some romance eventually.)**_

_**I am accepting suggestions on who Kat ends up with, there is a poll up on my profile, so VOTE!**_

_**Lady Josephynne out.**_

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	3. Swearing Battles and Interrogations

I was awoken some hours later by the sounds of arguing voices.

Blinking blearily, I sat up, rubbing my eyes. Yawning, I stretched, and rolled my shoulders, trying to get my neck to crack.

A particularly loud voice made me snap to attention. I widened my eyes, trying to rub the sleep from them, and I zeroed in on the evildoers who had disturbed my sleep.

Deidara, Kisame, and Hidan were crowded around my desk, clearly examining something. I got up, stumbling slightly as my feet hit the ground. Continuing to stretch, I made my way over to them, shoving Deidara out of the way, ignoring the angry noise he made. I looked down at the object that was causing so much irritation, and laughed sleepily.

Now that I focused in, I could hear my iPod going off, and the sounds of music were evident. I picked it up, and it continued to blink with an alert, reminding me that I needed to go to physical therapy. Snorting at the irony, I shut it off. It'd be kind of difficult to attend my appointment when I was in a different dimension.

"Seriously, guys? It was my iPod, okay? It's perfectly normal." I berated them.

"But…there were voices coming from the damn thing. It was…. singing." Kisame complained.

I waved a hand carelessly, and then fixed my face into an angry stare. "You guys woke me up. Do you know what happened to the last person who woke me up before I was ready to be awoken?"

I'd been told that I was always good at giving the evil eye, but it was still a sight to see three psychotic, S-ranked criminals cower slightly under the glare of a girl who was no more of a threat to them than a fly, and at least a half foot shorter.

Deidara winced, and tried to unobtrusively inch backwards, away from me. I glared at him. "You really piss me off sometimes, you know that?"

"You've been here all of twelve hours, un. How can I piss you off so much, un? You barely know me, un."

"Oh, believe me. I know you. You're Deidara of Iwagakure, S-ranked missing nin. You have an extra mouth on each palm, in addition to one that's stitched up on your chest. You're partnered with Sasori of Sunagakure, or Sasori of the Red Sand, who you call "Sasori-danna". You hate Itachi Uchiha because he used his Sharingan to beat you in a battle, therefore forcing you to join Akatsuki. You believe that art is transient, and both enters and exits the world quickly. This is reflected in your usual methods of attack, which consist of shaping various figures, usually birds, out of clay kneaded with chakra, and exploding them." I rattled off, arms now crossed across my chest.

They were all staring at me, clearly confused.

"…. You know all of that, un?" Deidara questioned.

I grinned brightly, and flashed them a peace sign with my right hand. "That's right!"

They all did what I referred to as "the anime sweat drop".

"Why do I suddenly think it was a bad idea for Leader-sama to allow this girl to stay?" Kisame questioned, not bothering to keep his voice low.

"Trust me. Before too long, you're going to be _very_ grateful that I'm here." I told him. "Now get the hell out."

Hidan reached for his scythe, and I held up a hand.

"Whoa, dude. Seriously. It's like, WAAAAAAAY too early in the morning for your whole sacrifice thing to your fake god."

If he had been angry before, his face was now positively livid.

"Jashin-sama is not fake! Fucking heathen bitch, what's your problem! You aren't fucking worthy to be sacrificed anyways, Jashin would take one look at your damned pathetic soul and spit it back out."

"So you'll leave me alone?"

He yelled more profanities, which I would not have repeated if I had been forced to at knifepoint. Well, kunai-point. Technically scythe-point, this is Hidan we're talking about. He lunged at me, and, on instinct, I screamed, and grabbed the closest person, who happened to be Deidara, and shoved him in front of me.

Thankfully, Hidan stopped before decapitating Deidara. Otherwise I would have turned around, stolen his scythe, and lobbed _his_ head off. Then I would have had to listen to yet _more_ profanities while Kakuzu stitched his head back on. Damn Jashinist bastard.

"Leave her alone. Leader's going to get pissed if you kill her before we can get all the information out of her. And Kakuzu will _kill_ you if you get blood on the carpet, all the money it'd take to get out."

"How many fucking times do I have to tell you? I'm fucking-"

"Yeah, we know. You're _immortal._ But let me tell you something. If you _ever_ wake me up again, I will find a way to kill you. I will take a cutting board, and repeatedly bash you about the head with it. After that, I will personally ensure that you will never be able to have children." I paused, considering that last statement. "Not that any self respecting woman would ever bang you anyways. And then, I'll tie you down, and let Zetsu eat your limbs, one by one. Finally, I'll get some of Deidara's clay, and have him fashion a bird. Then, I'm going to stuff said bird into your mouth, and let him detonate it. And _then,_ I will laugh maniacally while sipping tea as bits of blood and gore spatter across the room."

They were all staring at me.

"You know, un…I'm thinking maybe Leader did make a good decision in allowing her to stay, un." Deidara stated, in a matter-of-fact tone.

I smirked. "Damn straight."

Kisame opened his mouth, and I saw a flash of sharp white teeth, but before he could say anything, a strange feeling swept over us, as though we were being immersed in shadow, and we could hear Pein's voice.

"Everyone in the meeting room in five minutes. If you aren't there, I will allow Zetsu to eat you."

The three males in my room didn't seem surprised at all, as though this was a regular occurrence, but I shuddered, and hastened to the door, before realizing I had no idea where I was going. Feeling very small, I turned back to face all of them, whose expressions mirrored the smirk I'd had on my face just a minute previously.

"Um…guys…where's the meeting room?"

"Well, I don't fucking want to tell you. Give me one good reason why I should, bitch."

"Cause if we aren't all there, Leader will let Zetsu eat ALL of us, dumbass." I retorted.

I may have really liked the Akatsuki, despite their status as _Naruto'_s main criminals. Hidan had never been one of my favorites though. Nonetheless, if he was late and Leader did give Zetsu permission to eat him, I wouldn't have the amusement of watching his and Kakuzu's arguments anymore. Even though I had no idea if I would even remain alive long enough to witness one of their arguments.

He began to utter another insult, one that I'm sure started with a "b" and ended with an "itch", but thankfully Kisame interrupted him.

"You two can argue later, right now, we need to be there."

I shot him a grateful look, thankful that there was one levelheaded person amongst the other two, both of whom were hotheads, and followed the three of them into the hallway, and into another door off the living room that I hadn't noticed before.

Everyone had already arrived, with the exceptions of Kisame, Deidara, and Hidan. They slid into their seats, while I stood behind Zetsu, praying the cannibalistic human-plant-thing wouldn't notice me.

"Kat." Pein's voice rang through the silent room.

I inched forward into the lighting, trying to make myself appear small and unthreatening. At only five feet and three inches, I suppose that wasn't really a difficult thing to do.

"Here, Leader-sama."

He stood up, his chair scraping on the ground. "Come with me, I wish to speak with you in my office alone. Itachi, watch everyone else and keep them from killing each other."

"Hn."

I giggled, despite the austere feeling of the room. The famous Uchiha "hn." I was wondering if behind that noncommittal noise, there was actually _meaning, _if the Uchiha clan was capable of normal communication.

Pein gestured for me to follow him, and I did so, feeling the eyes of everyone in the room follow me until Pein swept the door shut behind me. He crossed the small office, and sat in the large chair behind the desk. His elbows were propped on the tabletop, and he drummed his fingers against each other.

"I will speak plainly. You have no special capabilities. There is nothing that the Akatsuki would lose if we were to kill you. This is why you are going to tell me what you know. And you will tell me now." He commanded me, his spiral eyes narrowed.

I shifted my weight slightly, irritated at him. Crossing my arms defiantly, my mind flashed back to the moment I had awoken, and found myself in the middle of the Akatsuki's base.

Groaning as I sat up, I rubbed the knot on the back of my head, wincing. I went to stand up, and immediately fell back onto my ass, due what was surrounding me.

_Samehada, unwrapped, was pointed at me, less than a foot from my face, as was a familiar looking triple bladed scythe. Looking down, binding black tentacles had snaked their way around my waist, restricting my movement to undignified squirming on the ground. _

_Turning my head, there was a clay bird floating by my left ear, and I didn't doubt that one blonde, ex-Iwa nin stood ready to detonate it with that infamous "Katsu!" Looking the other direction, I found a pair of glowing red eyes staring at me coldly._

_So, I did the only rational thing that any other teenage girl would do if they found themselves surrounded by a group of psychopathic criminals._

_I screamed._

_My fit lasted for all of five seconds, before a hand was roughly clapped over my mouth._

"_Shut the hell up, would you? Leader's going to-"_

"_Would someone tell me what the meaning of the noise is, before I chop off a limb?" Pein's cold voice cut in._

"Fine. I'll tell you. But you have to answer question of mine in return. What can I expect out of the members of the Akatsuki? How do I know you won't kill me as soon as I give you the information you seek?" I responded, lifting my chin to meet his unwavering gaze.

His eyes narrowed even more, but I could sense a hint of respect. He clearly hadn't been expecting me to stand up to him.

"Very well. I will place a jutsu on the entirety of the organization, myself excluded, as with this jutsu, you cannot place it upon yourself. It will prevent them performing any physical harm to you. And you will remain with us as an intelligence specialist, as Konan suggested when you first arrived. We cannot allow you to wander free, as you could easily turn against us and go to the aide of the Leaf or Sand." He answered.

I nodded my head briefly, content with his answer.

"Fair enough, then. I guess now that you have satisfied my curiosity, I have no other choice but then to tell you what it is I know."

Over what must have been a period of several hours, I spoke. I told him what I knew of the Akatsuki's founding, their primary goal, and how the organization ran. He learned of how each of the members died, but made me swear not to tell any of them until he had time to reflect on that bit of information. I told him about each of the jinchuuriki, and their respective tailed beast. And for good measure, I launched into each member's past, only stopping when he held up a hand to silence me.

He did not say anything right away, but contemplated me a few moments longer.

"You have proved that you are not entirely worthless."

I let out a sigh of relief, and shook my legs in turn, both of them having fallen asleep because I had been standing up for so long.

"However. Here in the Akatsuki, we expect that people pull their own weight. I will assign someone to teach you the basics of taijutsu, as well as how to recognize and escape genjutsu. It does not seem that you have any chakra of your own, so you will be unable to use ninjutsu of any kind. As such, I expect you to train hard. If you become a liability in any way, you will be…. disposed of." He spoke carefully.

I shuddered at the implications behind his words, and nodded my head quickly.

"Do you have any other skills that may be of any particular use to us?"

Unable to stop myself, I blurted out. "I can cook! And I know how to get bloodstains out!"

Far from what I had expected, he stood up, brushed past me, and opened the door. Grabbing my arm, he shoved me back into the room, where everyone was still sitting, despite the lapse of time that had passed.

"Kat has informed me that she knows how to cook." He announced.

A chorus of yells sounded, and I snorted. Figured that they wouldn't have any idea how to feed themselves. Of course not, they were criminals! What decent criminal has any idea how to cook for himself? (Or herself, but I excluded Konan from my generalization, figuring she probably had at least basic kitchen knowledge.)

"_And_," He glared at Hidan as he spoke again. "She knows how to remove bloodstains."

Kakuzu turned his head to me quickly, scrutinizing me.

"If she can do that, I can put up with her. It'll save us a ton of money from having to replace our damn carpets every time my idiot of a partner performs his ridiculous ritual."

"Kisame." The blue-skinned man snapped to attention. "You will be responsible for instructing her in the basics of taijutsu."

I tried not to show it, but inside I was quivering at the thought of being taught by the shark-like man. I had a suspicion that every training session with him was going to end up with Kakuzu having to attend to me in some way. I'd always thought of him as the Akatsuki's resident medical expert. I mean, if he had been able to add an additional four hearts to his body, I would think he'd have at least basic medical knowledge.

"And someone will mentor her and instruct her in how our organization works. Any volunteers? No? Hmm. Why not you, Sasori?"

The human puppet did not say anything, but glared at me with a look of utmost loathing.

Startled, I backed up a few feet.

_What the hell does he hate me for? I haven't done anything to him, I haven't even spoken to him!_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Hey everyone. Hope you liked it. I'm holding the next chapter hostage until I get at least ten reviews (which is probably aiming a bit high, but oh well.) So that means ADVERTISE! ADVERTISE THIS STORY SHAMELESSLY! :D<strong>

_**Before I go, I want to give a shout out to **__**Fallen Angels Still Have Wings.**__** Her INCREDIBLE story **__**Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki**__** was what first inspired me to spin this little yarn. It's a must read for any Akatsuki fan. So if you haven't read it yet, get to it!**_

_**It's midnight, and I have to be up in five and a half hours. Woot for lack of sleep! Seriously though haha. My second and final day of swim championships takes place tomorrow. So I miiiight actually be able to squeeze in two updates next week in between finishing up summer homework and getting ready for school, since swim will finally be over.**_

_**I love you all!**_

_**REVIEW! REVIEW OR SASORI WILL TURN YOU INTO A PUPPET!**_

_**Lady Josephynne out.**_


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